Back Pain Is Good
Safety article by Harold Hough
In an attempt to give equal time to both sides of the safety issue, I went to a symposium on industrial safety titled “Quit your bellyaching – a new perspective on job safety. The symposium was held at the Marquis de Sade Institute for Industrial Safety and Health. The symposium was sponsored by Zombie Pharmaceuticals Corporation.
The Alternative Safety Practices session looked at different methods for judging safety in the work place. Dr. Seymour advocated getting rid of bright orange vests on work sites because they distract heavy equipment drivers and reduce productivity. Dr. Toes showed how the wearing of Birkenstocks at heavy equipment maintenance facilities reduced the incidence of athlete’s foot among the work force. And, Dr. Tinfoil showed how steel toes in boots trapped and refocused cell phone radiation, thereby causing higher incidents of toe cancer.
The most interesting paper was delivered by Dr. Quasimodo Flinch a back pain specialist. His paper was titled “Clearer Thinking Through Chronic Back Pain.” He argued that pain focuses the mind and makes a worker more productive. I stopped him after his talk and interviewed him.
Miners News: “Dr. Flinch. How did you come up with the idea that pain is good for you?”
Dr. Flinch: “I actually learned it while serving as a Navy SEAL. We were taught that pain is good because it means you’re still alive. And, of course, there is that old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Did you know that pain also tightens the face muscles and eliminates age wrinkles?”
Miners News” “Well, you are proof that pain is good for the body. You look good for someone in their sixties.”
Dr. Flinch: “What do you mean sixties? I’m just thirty-two.”
Miners News: “Sorry. I just assumed that since you were doubled over. But, enough about you. I understand you have some suggestions for developing chronic back pain.”
Dr. Flinch: “You bet I do. I have spent years studying industrial health and have several suggestions for hurting your back without too much effort. One sure fire method is to be a show off. Always carry more than you know you can lift. This will establish your reputation as a real man with the rest of the work force. I know one guy named “Milquetoast Mike” until he hauled a 400 pound transmission part across the work floor. Now he is known as “Studman.”
Miners News: “That made him popular?”
Dr. Flinch: “You bet. A lot of his fellow workers visited him at the hospital. And talk about tight face muscles. He had a face smoother than Cher’s last facelift. Of course, the grimace does detract from the overall look.”
Miners News: “I understand you believe that planning is bad and detracts from overall productivity?”
Dr. Flinch: “Yes. Safety experts recommend you check your path for obstructions and consider how to set down the load before you pick it up. I consider that unproductive. Just pick it up and take off. Besides, there is nothing better than that jolt of adrenaline you get when you trip over a box while carrying several hundred pounds of metal. You feel so alive, especially when one of the pieces fall on you toe.”
Miners News: “You also say that golf and tennis can also induce chronic back pain.”
Dr. Flinch: “Yes. Any activity that incorporates sudden changes in direction or unnatural twisting can contribute to back injuries. Definitely avoid stretching before exercise or low impact activities. Better yet, try practicing your tennis swing while carrying a few hundred pounds. And, take up smoking, which reduces the supply of oxygen and nutrients to the disks that cushion the vertebra.”
Miners News: “Any final suggestions?”
Dr. Flinch: “Yes, always remember to be fashion conscious. Instead of carrying something close to your body, where it is closer to your center of gravity, stick it out away from your body to keep the dirt and grime away from your clothes. Those extra few inches act like a lever that puts additional stress on your back.
Miners News: “Well, thank you Dr. Flinch. I hope our readers keep you comments in mind next time they go to work.
Dr. Flinch: “Glad to help. Remember that the Marquis de Sade Institute for Industrial Safety and Health is your source for alternative job safety and productivity advice. And, don’t forget our next symposium on pain management and productivity. It will be sponsored by that new pain killer - Zonedout.”